mere_over_there

I'm not sure how to describe my emotional state of today.

I feel as though things are changing without my consent, and yet I am the one that is changing things unconsciously.

It's the same feeling that one gets when in a relationship that is nearing its last days. There's an intense feeling of loss and loneliness that come with the end. You feel this person that you've loved start to drift away from you, and like soap, the harder you hold on, the faster it slips away. The distance becomes so vast no matter how physically close you really are.

For the first time since all of this has happened, I feel like this might not end how I believed it would. I'm used to feeling people drift away from me, not the other way around. It's as though my mind is far ahead of my body. It's strange to grieve your own passing while still here. It's not at all that I've given up...but I just can't explain how I've seemed to begin the farewells without being conscious of it until now. I've always been someone who trusts their intuition and mine tells me that I'm reaching the end. Now this could mean the end of an era or even the end of battling this disease. Or it could mean what we know to be eminent for us all. I've no idea. I just know what I feel deep down inside.

The other strange element is the overwhelming amount of peace and harmony that I feel. On one side, I'm heavy with loneliness and feel this incredible separation  from everything around me, yet on the other side I feel at peace with it and yes, even happy.

I don't know what all of this means, but I do know that either way, I have found my peace. Maybe that alone was my purpose this time around, if that's how life works. I don't know nor claim to know what lies ahead, but I do know that no matter when that time arrives, I will continue my journey with a lifetime of happiness and love  tucked away in my heart.

Yeah, I'm a brash cynic who's plagued by life's follies for some Diety's personal amusement, but at the end of the day I'm still a girl and a dreamer. And my hope is that after I'm gone, love remains in my absence.

M

if chemo is supposed to make me so nauseated that I throw up my pancreas while simultaneously giving birth to my colon and rupturing my spleen, then treatment is going well.

if not, then i'm fucked.

M

Moving forward to be able to look back

I move forward.
My feet stand still,
I struggle against my own will.

I look straight ahead towards skies of blue
Because if I ever look back, I'll go running to you.

Sometimes life has plans we didn't imagine.
We both stand blameless, leaving life to stand accused,
It's the entity that binds us, yet leaves our dreams abused.

Waves have come to clear out the sands of all these fears,
Leaving only the foundation we built for all these years.

One day I'll look back when you're far behind,
And I'll let my feet stay true.
But never have a doubt that I will have to leave a sacred piece of my heart with you.


---

I'm a closet romantic with a history of tragic love stories.
Sue me.

M

FUCK!!!

FUCK!!

FUCK.!

FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.

*Ahem. Excuse me. Sorry.*

----------------------------------------
My apologies for the inappropriate punctuation. 
That was the extent of my night. No, I wasn't having a fantastic shag.  I. Fucking. Wish.

I passed up -- that's right PASSED UP sex last night.

#*&?! - what the fuck, right? After how much i've bitched and moaned, right? 

Look, there was a time when I loved chocolate. Any kind. Any brand....  But then I fucked it all up and traveled and had some of the most decadent handmade chocolate.  Then I was forever ruined to tootsie rolls and Hershey's kisses and the like. Plus, I grew up and my tastes changed and refined. 
Well, that's exactly what happened when an impromptu dinner turned into the release of my friend's inner lush and became a full blown party (on a Tuesday!? - i know, right?).

I can sum it all up in two sentences (which could actually be one compound sentence but two is better than one, I think):

He was gorgeous, athletic, and had some serious game.

...And couldn't do it because I'm not deaf and he's not mute.


Goddamnit, when did I decide to mature? Fuck.
Not even the alcohol could convince my brain that I wouldn't cringe at the memory of sleeping with him.

There was a day when I could fuck anything attractive and semi-intelligent that walked.
God, I miss those days.

M

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/life/2009-05/11/content_7763803.htm

there's a place I'd like to go somewhere out west,
it's not specific, and the pictures show it best.
I know there's trees I know there's sand and I know there's grass,
I know it's somewhere in the past.
There's a girl out there who's lookin for it too,
she's not sure when she'll go or exactly what she'll do.
If i am doomed am I the first one or the last?
Am I just someone from the past?

No one has to hear, the sound of people laughing at their fears, and the ocean and sun are always there, to make you happy if you're feeling scared of the darkness.

If I ever saw a ghost it'd change the way I think.
I wouldn't gasp for air if ever I did sink.
I wouldn't struggle, I'd just let it all out fast,
and then start living in the past.

If we hold the hand that rapes the hand,
and everyone can feel the hand,
and nothing's gonna change,
it could be the time we're living in,
we'll never feel so safe again,
but love always remains

--------------

woke up with this song in my mind.

It's a good day.

M

In the life of me this week:

Sexual Aggression Rears Its Ugly Head.

Perhaps I'm a rarity.

I've been having a bit of a dry spell since getting ditched by camera boy.
It's only been what? A week and a half?
I'm not gonna lie. I wanna punch someone in the face just because I need to get laid.

That isn't normal, is it?

Yeah, I've got cancer and fighting off the complications that come with treatment.
But for fuck's sake, I'm not a corpse!
I still have needs, goddamnit.

Remember that scene in Fight Club?
And now I hate myself for thinking of that movie and Brad Pitt's body in said movie...great, now I'm back to square one.

I think this is how serial killers are born. They need more sex.

Life is cruel. Instead of being fucked within an inch of my life, I'm sitting here with martini #2 and watching "How It's Made". As if learning how IMAX projectors are made will somehow increase my intelligence. As if I care about intelligence right now. Right about now there's only one thing I care about...

Been talking to friends who have been celebate for weeks, months, and years. They all seem perfectly fine. Some don't even miss it. Masturbating isn't sex -- it's just satisfaction. No one else agrees with me. They're all either saints or insane.


Argh.

M

Oui.

I remember......

-when i first learned to ride a bike.

-my first cat -- RIP, Snowball.

-the first time I did a back handspring by myself.

-my first kiss -- Jeff, you totally sneaked that boob graze in!

-my first car -- sorry for totaling you, Sades!

-the first time I won a speech competition

-the first time I saw the White House & met the Pres.

-my first day of college

-the first time I had sex -- you know who you are & you were great and I wasn't just saying that b/c I had nothing to compare it to, I swear.

-my first broken bone

-my first 'big people' job

-when i laughed so hard i cried and had ab cramps -- thanks, J.

-when i cut off a yard and half of hair for Locks of Love

-when watching cartoons all day was what i was not only allowed but encouraged to do.

-the look in his eyes the first time i told him i loved him too.

-saying goodbye to him when i didn't know it was the last time.

-the pain i felt in losing you when we were only 17 year old kids -- RIP, my love.

-how it felt to have everyone go crazy over how I looked at prom (knock out!)

-my first car wreck

-the first time I saw the Eiffel Tower

-the many family trips around the world that should've been hell if we weren't such an insane and crazy family with so much love.

-my first adult relationship - ha.

-(shortly after) my first adult relationship break up

-my first apartment

-my first house and the killer roof party we had for three days straight!

-My first Bentley

-(shortly after) my father wrecking my first Bentley.

-when my father bought me a Ferrari out of guilt for wrecking my Bentley. fuck yeah.

-the first time I flew a plane.

M

It's incredibly bizarre to be treated differently by everyone you know because of something beyond your control.

I'm still the same person.

But damn, you say the phrase, "I have cancer," and no one knows what to say other than all the contrived drivel from movies.

It is socially acceptable to say, "I don't know what to say," or even an "I'm sorry" is fine too, although there are some hardcore cancer patients that don't like that phrase and would strangle you with their LIVESTRONG bracelets for saying it. I, on the other hand, don't really give a shit. I actually love that some of my friends have said, "that's fucking awful." You know what? I'm not gonna lie. It is awful. It's terrifying, depressing, dark, sad, unfair, and all other adjectives that describe how much life can suck. That's the honest truth. Yeah it's given me a different perspective on life, but at the same time, I'm still the same person. I'm just dealing with it, it's not who I am or part of my identity -- which is why I'm still boycotting the cancer patient support groups much to the chagrin of my family.

The upside, if you could call it that, is that I'm on the medicinal marijuana path instead of taking shit like oxycontin for pain. Thank you, thank you, CA.

==========================================================================================================

Having fun with camera boy the other day.  Even though he interrupted my lovely alone time with Kant because he got bored with South Park, I was happy to be getting naked with him.  You know those wonderful moments when the person you're having sex with doesn't take it seriously?  I tripped over his shoes, bounced off the bed, and fell on the floor. It made him laugh so hard, he farted, which made me laugh even harder. It took us both about 15 minutes to actually get naked because A) we both turned into the least coordinated people on Earth, B) the maniacal laughter had set in from smoking a bowl, and C) I made the mistake of wearing a front loader which confused my poor camera boy to no end (ask him to explain how hard it is to pull focus when wide open on a 35 and you'll be amazed for hours -- ask him to unhook a bra from the front, and he's lost.).

We then proceeded to have the funniest sex I've ever had.  My cat was feeling playful and decided to swat and nip at his feet, i accidentally burped in his face twice, my best friend walked in on us, he knocked a picture frame off my headboard and it whacked me on the forehead. All was finished off with a lovely accidental shot in the nose, which would've been horrible had it not all been so funny.

I don't know what got into me afterwards. I think I was just feeling so nice and high and post coital that my mouth took us places we should've never gone. I just had to open my big fat mouth. And you know what? That fucker couldn't get dressed fast enough.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, this bitch ran.

Our conversation was so brief because I was still getting over the shock of his reaction. He paced around throwing out fragments such as, "i didn't want anything serious..." , "Maybe you should take it easy and not strain yourself," and, "Sounds like a heavy time for you...maybe I should go."  I got a quick "I'll be around, I'll hit you up."  (hit you up?) and then he was barely out the front door before I watched him sprint to his car.

What the fuck?

I'm not asking him to hold my hand during chemo, just for him be around when I need to fulfill a need -- a mutual need that everyone has. I was just as onboard as he was about keeping it casual. It's not like I'm really in a position for a serious relationship. I just got out of the clutches of my ex, and I'll be honest that it would be much easier to run back to him and he'd probably take care of me. The thing is, I'm fine with doing this on my own, and plus it wouldn't be fair to him if I did -- I'd only be using him, and while that was something he repeatedly did to me, I've actually still got some human decency intact. The only people I've actually depended on have been my family. Even so, I've only spent a grand total of 5 days at their house since all of this started.

I should've known the 'honeymoon' was over when I talked to him about Aristotle and he got all excited about it because he thought we were going to watch "Sword in the Stone."  (which has a character named Archimedes, not Aristotle).

I suppose I should be hurt, but I'm kind of amused.

Besides, I can't be too moody (although chemo does make one a moody motherfucker) thanks to the lovely weed I purchased today. I should've gotten my license years ago. This really sweet Korean guy gave me some free hash and a free gram of Chronic in addition to my purchase of some fine OG Kush. He told me to come back at the end of the week for some of Woody Harrellson's strand. Not so sure about that, but at least he stocked me up. I'm slightly miffed they didn't have my favorite edibles -- rice crispy treats.

I'm kind of in the mood to get really stoned and go listen to a lecture at JPL or something.

Ahhh, life. I love it. I really do. Despite the injustices (some funny, some not) as of late, I'm still planning to laugh my way to recovery -- with or without the help of some people.

I might become an adult afterall...

M



 

Lately,
No matter how late I fall asleep, I can't help but wake up at 4AM on the dot and just lay there thinking about all of my life's follies, failures, regrets, disappointments, and what I'd do differently if I could go back.

In other words, I've been waking up nostalgic :)

Ahh, wry/dry humor is the best medicine.

But really. I wish I could make it through one fucking night without waking up early. I've also stopped dreaming, which is very odd.

Btw, in case no one ever told you, it is possible to get a yeast infection in your MOUTH...
A little trivia for you: I've never had a vaginal yeast infection in my life. EVER.
Apparently it's something cancer patients are succeptible to -- but no one really warns you about it b/c let's be honest, you've got cancer. What else could possibly be worse? Well this shit is fucking disgusting. At first, I was afraid camera boy was lying about the clean bill of health...and then my doctor told me. The good news is we caught it early and it's healing fast. But the shit I have to drink for it -- it's cherry mint. Whoeverthefuck thought that was a good flavor obviously has no tastebuds or no concept of good flavors to mix. Cherry mint asshole is more like it. The worst part is that I have to swallow this shit three times a day.
I couldn't be like normal girls and get an itchy vagina.

To make matters more amusing, I have a bout of the shits thanks to Karen, though I don't hold her at fault. Mother can fluster even the hardest of men, let alone a new maid. In her rush, she made me mom's laxative tea instead of Suki's herbal blend. And since I drank it around 8pm, it's decided now is an excellent time to take effect.

Again, humor is the best medicine.

So here's one from me:
Why is the solipsist unhappy? --- Answer: Because no one will accept his arguments as valid

Slightly bummed b/c I won't be here for the Flight of the Conchords show (sorry, Bella), but very excited to be traveling again.

Mere

So here's the reality of what's going on lately.
I'm sick. Very sick. I have been for a long while but not known until recently.
We'll leave it at that.

My very closest family and friends know the odds.
I know the odds.

It's very strange and I'd be lying to say I'm not in shock. To a certain extent, I don't feel like anything is wrong and I'm choosing to live life as if I have plenty of time instead of if I die tomorrow or howeverthefuck that phrase goes. I'm not all gunghoe and 'I'll beat this thing!', I'm just of the mindset of I'll beat it if I'm supposed to. If not, then I'll have as much fun as I can in the meantime and go out with a bang.

But this morning it hit me.

I'm not ready.

It's like being called on to read your report in class first when you weren't expecting to have to go for awhile...it just doesn't settle well and you feel all twisted inside.

And that's exactly how I feel.

It doesn't feel right and now I'm ready to fight.



M

Whatever happened to Jillian Anderson? God, I wanted to be Scully for years.

Why are the aisles at Trader Joe's so fucking small?

Paris Je T'aime wasn't a bad movie.

The Reader had me until the end.

I want to smoke weed with Bob Dylan.

Benjamin Button wasn't very special.

I used to be obsessed with Orlando Bloom -- ugh, no wonder I used to have such beautiful gay friends.

Smashing Pumpkins is playing my funeral -- I'm inisisting on it in my will.

Just minding my own business at treatment but forgot my ipod so i was forced to watch soaps when a rather attractive man took the seat next door. He could smell my Dentyne Ice and politely opened the divider and asked me for a piece. We chatted for a bit. Reminded me of Peter Saarsgard without the young John Malkovich-esque voice.
Nothing like polite conversations with strangers.

Speaking of males and strangers...

You know what used to bother me the most about my ex is that he just wasn't that nice to me. I would watch him be so kind, sweet, and polite with strangers and I would think, "why can't he be like that with me?" And about the time I started thinking in that mindset is about the time I ended the relationship.

On to happier-ish news...

Young camera boy has got skills. He calls just enough. Texts just enough. Just enough to be obvious but not enough to be annoying. Nothing physical has happened since the "chicken soup" incident the other day, but he's been great. He loves cats, brie, Futurama, and Eastbound and Down. I'm dangerously close to liking him.
I might even be down for more sex soon.
Shit. This is not the time to be doing this...

On the other hand, God bless medicinal marijuana.

M

had a very odd case of road rage the other day:

was simply minding my own business and driving home from meeting Suki at Castle Green when I noticed this guy swerving in and out of the lane in front of me -- then he slammed on his breaks at the yellow light, nearly resulting in the front of my car jamming into the back of his car's ass.
this erratic behavior piqued my curiosity so i looked to see what was distracting him...

and you know what?

he was on his phone.

fuck cell phones and their ingratiation into our society in such a manner so that it breeds rude behavior that can endanger lives for the sake of egocentricity.

-------

Once upon a time I was able to hold in my disdain for humanity -- at least while I was in public. I've really gotta watch my karma from now on.

Two of my last 4 exes have contacted me in the last couple of weeks...it's very odd as I've not spoken to one of them in more than 5 years. It's also odd b/c only 7 people on this earth know what my condition is. I've still not decided when/if I'll make the announcement to everyone...but at least I have decided I never want to know how long I have.

Went out for taco night last week with Lucien, Hunter, and Victoria. I met this very charming Jewish guy there. He reminded me of a lover past...someone that I deeply loved but had to leave because he could never love me the way I deserved. This guy had all of his good traits and some better ones. If only I had met him first. We oddly become instant friends.

Or so I thought...

When he got off work yesterday, he came by to bring me chicken soup (as if i have the common cold -- still, i found this oddly adorable). He works in "the industry" and yet, i'm still not turned off. Somewhere in between grabbing him a bottle of gatorade from the fridge and watching South Park, before I knew it I was on the couch under him.

...Not that it wasn't good.
...Not that I minded.
...Not that we'd only known each other for a week.
...Not that he wasn't gentle and sweet
...Not that he wasn't big or good - thank god, he was both
...BUT is it even kosher to do that? I mean, chicken soup for sex?

I think someone may be scamming me.


Maybe for once I should take the road less traveled...or rather, not follow this path b/c I know how it ends.


M

-If you're Korean, you should not be allowed to drive.

-If you cannot take the driving test in English, you shouldn't be allowed to take the test in the first place...much less pass the fucking test.

-If you're Canadian, you should go back to Canada. You all seem normal at first, and then we get to know you...

-If you drive a Mini and think you're the shit, please don't. It's just a car for fuck's sake.

-The same goes for Prius owners and anyone with a Mercedes, Benz, Bentley, etc...it's just a fucking car -- and this is coming from someone who owns one of the high end cars. You can't take it with you when you go.

-Speaking of Prius owners -- stop fucking waving at each other and giving each other the thumbs up. Yeah, they're great on mileage and conserving fuel, but don't get too excited there, Slappy -- making the battery for one of those fuckers is bad for the environment. So wipe that smug smile off your face, thank you.

-If you are an actor/actress/model/musician/director/and anything else in "the industry", remember you're a dime a dozen and nothing special. Seriously. You're not curing cancer or ending world hunger. You're making (or at least I hope your goal is to make) art for a living and getting (or at least having the possiblity to be getting) a hefty check for it. Be grateful and step down the ego a notch or five or eight. And save the name dropping for starstruck family/friends.

-If it's "raining" in L.A., it's perfectly normal to drive the speed limit and *gasp* above. You people act like the rain turns into tacks all over the road...

-If you own a dog in L.A., pick up it's fucking shit. It's the law and it's courteous. God forbid someone in L.A. think about courtesy.

-If you speak Spanish, that's great. But last time I checked, we're in AMERICA -- whose national language is ENGLISH. Don't fucking be mad at me b/c I don't speak YOUR language. You're in MY country.

-If you are a guy and you have a girlfriend, please stop trying to sleep with me. If I wanted a fuck toy, I'd take out the vibrator from my nightstand -- seriously, it's not going to give me herpes or be nearly as complicated as you are. Besides, I'm tired of running into your girlfriends. There are plenty of women who find this lifestyle exciting. Not me. Fuck off.

-If you are an Armenian -- please, go easy on the cologne and stop doing shitty coke.

-If you think that you're superior to anyone in anyway, just remember that you're not superior in one major way...you die like all the rest of us. No one escapes that, luv.

-If you model yourself after any actor/actress/celebrity, just stop. Do us and yourself a favor and just stop. You fuckwits are the people who make people like Paris Hilton get more publicity than any of the genocides happening in the world.

-If you believe any of the gossip mags and pour over them, rip out the first two pages of your favorite one and use them to wipe your ass. Now you've found a better use and reused paper that was initially wasted. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! :)

-If you think your college degree makes you superior in any way, kick yourself in the ass five times fast and read four points prior to this one until it sinks in.

-If you think your boyfriend/girlfriend won't cheat on you again, slap yourself across the face and call a shrink.

-If you have children, at least teach them to behave in public if nothing else.

-If your baby is crying in public, try going somewhere else, stay home, or give the little thing dramamine. Your kid isn't crying just to cry -- figure out how to make it stop. I think that should be added under the definition of parent..."person who figures out how to make child stop crying."

-If you think you might be a stage mom, give me a call. I'll be honest with you and tell you if you are or not. Yet another example of a small group ruining it all for the large group.

I'm not sure why I'm on such a dark rant, but I'm just so tired of living in BH with people like the aforementioned. Sadly, I have a college degree, drive an expensive car, and have parents with loads of bling. But I don't make others feel like shit b/c I have these priviledges. I've been independent since 16, I haven't taken money from my parents since I was 15, and while I got a damn good education, I still think I'm on the same level as my super sharp best friend who has never taken a single college course, and who finished high school in a poor ass country. If everyone just treated each other with courtesy, that alone could change mankind. Instead, it's every man for himself and trample those that fall behind. We're all fucking humans, man. All just fucking humans.

By the way,
Found out today I'm dying faster than I had always planned. Whoever said, "We make plans and God laughs," is an asshole.

M

M

Remember the old days when you'd find out things by either A) seeing it in person for yourself or B) having a really good friend break you the bad news.

Nowadays technology has cut out the middleman.

How humiliating to find out via Facebook that new boy I was dating is in a relationship with another girl.

Why are guys in LA such scumbags?

The funny/dark side of it all is that I didn't actually care for him -- just enjoyed being spoiled by him. What's more is that the only thing hurt is my pride.

So here I sit after work, martini in hand and petting the only furry male that is loyal to me -- my cat.

I'm sure at a time like this I should feel that life is very sad, but no sense in ruining a perfectly good martini with tears.

M

i go from one mess to another.

Fuck, it's amazing how a round of really good sex can just heal you. Making love first and then letting it turn into you and your lover fucking each other's brains out is just something that every human being should be able to have at least once in their life.

As you can tell, I am post coital. I've been seeing someone new and it sounds fucking cheesy as hell but I feel like a flower whose frost is melting away in the sunlight. Saying this is completely ridiculous.

For the first time in ages, I feel completely and utterly stupid.

I don't do this. I'm not much of a girl.

I'm not completely over my ex. And sadly, he's not over his ex.

Christ.

I'm retarded.

--------------

I'm watching Taxi Cab Confessions, smoking a bowl, and getting a little tweaky.

On the upswing, I just remembered I have Thai takeout in the fridge. :)

Happily, life took some unexpected turns since I last wrote.

Here goes...

Date didn't happen with neighbor. He flaked. Loser.

Instead, I may have breached the employee - employee relations clause...
I have a fellow employee that has an insane attraction to me and vice versa. It's so fucking inappropriate. I just can't. He's not even what I consider good looking. But for some fucking reason...I don't fucking know. God, I'm not even making sense right now.

I have to stop this shit.

Seriously.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

On a happier note,
Birthday party was a blast and girl didn't come (stay tuned...this may or may not lead to drama)

So life I think at least didn't kick my ass...I think I evened (or will even) the score.

Mere

Hello, Unemployment! I've not seen you since last year. How nice of you to drop by! You're just in time for the fun. I'm glad we'll be seeing each other very soon. I forgot how much fun you were.

Asshole.

Mere

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Humor is my most superior trait by far.

This being said, sometimes life is so ironic that even I can only laugh at my own defeat/poor luck.

After learning of my impending unemployment (yesterday was full of good news), life wasn't done with me yet.

Life 1, Mere 0.

Ran into gf of boy I used to sleep with (in my defence, I didn't know about her and stopped when I did) and she is now an ex of his -- wait, it gets better -- and somehow our friend circles meshed this last year without our knowledge. I'm quite certain she's not privvy to the same knowledge I am & she so very kindly volunteered the information that their break up was largely in part to his infidelity.

Life 2, Mere -1

Just when yours truly thought it was safe to venture outside the house...

It all seems very high school, but the honest truth is that she's a nice girl. And opening up more hurt/betrayal on a very painful breakup isn't really my style. I may act like a heartless bitch, but I'm really not. Somehow, my lovely friends that I confided in about such details of my own personal life, managed to miss the fact that their other friend was the third element to my relationship disaster last year. How no one caught this or accidentally told her earlier, I'll never fucking know.

And they all say I have ADD and don't pay attention...

We have a mutual birthday party to attend on Friday & I can't wait to see everyone AND her. (the sarcasm is bleeding off the webpage, yeah?)

There's few things worse than everyone knowing something that you don't -- but i'll be damned if I'm going to be the one to tell her. This can create more bad karma for me for all I care, but I refuse to bring someone else down because let's be honest: with things they way they are economically, no one needs further reasons to slit their wrists. Morale is at an all time low for the working class...sometimes ignorance can be bliss. This isn't to say that I don't feel awful for what transpired, because I do and I did. I emotionally beat myself up for months. That's not behavior that is indicative of how I try to live my life. It's one of life's badges that some people do wear with pride, but I wear it with shame and regret. Whether it was my fault or not, I managed to become entangled in this deceitful web.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott

Life 3, Mere 0

One last nail for the coffin -- said boy called.
Luckily, cell phones have caller IDs so you can see whose call you're ignoring.
He didn't even leave a VM, what a pussy.

Life 3, Mere 1, Boy -1

At least I did get a bit of good news: my cute neighbor asked me out as we chatted over laundry last night. I'm just not sure if it's a good idea -- shitting where you eat/sleep is never wise. Did I just liken shitting to sex? I did. And I'm not really wrong if you think about it. I accepted a Thursday night dinner and drinks after work. We'll see where it goes from there. Isn't there a rule that you don't have to put out in LA until date 3 (if he pays)? Maybe with our economy in such rubbish, we should make it date 2 if it's a nice restaurant and he pays for everything and my alcoholism. :)

Life 3, Mere 2

Friday should be loads of fun. I have a feeling my last paycheck will be for some very high grade herbs.
How I get in these messes, I'll never know.
Maybe I'll even the score and all will be well...or maybe life will hand me my ass once again this week.

It could go either way.

Mere